Small capital in a dysfunctional state, around christmas, 2013
I’ve been meaning to write to you for some time now. Like so many things though, it doesn’t seem to want to be written. But I can’t wait any longer, there are certain things I must say to you, I can’t go about pretending any more.
Christmas, we’re no good for each other, you and I. For years I’ve tried, and I know you have too. Still, we don’t manage to connect. I know you’ve been thinking about it too, I’ve noticed, and I believe you agree with me when I say that I think it’s best we acknowledge the situation for what it is, and let go. We’re both grown ups and I’m sure you also realize that we have no future together.
I remember when I was quite a bit younger, we had already met several times and I was beginning to realize that I had feelings for you. Real feelings. You were older, some would have said much older, but you never made me feel my lack of experience, my insecurity. I had such high hopes for us.
Maybe you should have, because at some point I lost sight of it myself. And felt as if we were equals, which we weren’t of course. I could have learned so much from you, had I only been aware of my own place. Looking back i can’t help but thinking it was indeed my immaturity and insecurity that made our decline inevitable. Pondering what went wrong I’ve often thought about how naive I was, how unable I was to respond to your gestures, to fulfill your wishes and needs. But truth to be told, I also have to admit that it never felt as if you were willing to stretch very far to meet me on my level. I mean, to really go out of your way. Or, stretch at all, coming to think of it.
So Christmas, this is the end of the road. I know you won’t try to persuade me that it isn’t, and I thank you for that. For what it’s worth, I will miss you. And I sincerely wish you the very best.